The Value of Community

We talk a lot about community at Womencare- we honor it, celebrate it, and use it to support ourselves and our clients.  We recently posted a blog about the power of groups... in all the thought and discussion, I became aware of a self-truth I’d never before acknowledged. As much as in my head I celebrate the power of groups, it isn’t a natural inclination. I had to truly learn the full value of community, by being embraced within a community I’d never intended to join.

Several years ago, when my son was born, and it became clear that he had special needs, my impulse was to bunker down within myself and my family until I figured it out and figured out how to name it to the world. Fortunately, other members of my family had a different wisdom they tapped, and called in the troops.  I resented the intrusion at the time, but the food and love the troops brought helped immensely.  And later I realized that the people who responded or showed up registered somewhere on my heart as family, regardless of where they had fit earlier.

Sometimes we need community in ways we could never have anticipated- for support, for information, for validation. After fighting my own discomfort, I got in my car one day and headed to a meeting of other families with kids with special needs.  I needed to- I just didn’t have access to the kind of wisdom I truly value above all others and so desperately needed- the wisdom of shared experience. Over time, I found my way to greater comfort and competence as the kind of mother I’d never imagined becoming, through sharing with and the active support of others. For a year, I drove over an hour each way to connect with people in similar circumstances. Just so we’re clear… I get bored driving long distances, but the train didn’t reach my destination, and I had come to realize how much I needed this support.

When presenting, I smile to find myself passionately advocating the importance of community and the power of groups- and I do so from the stance of someone who, rather reluctantly, was pushed into a place of needing it, had to learn it over time... and found more benefit than she’d ever imagined possible.  

-Ellen Lonnquist, MS, LMFT

Staying Honest This Season

I know you celebrate something... Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas or that Seinfeld holiday George made up. There is almost inescapable, manic pressure in our country to wrap perfect presents when the weather turns cold. Whatever it is that has you pulling out your dress slacks and making that bread bowl spinach dip people go crazy for, I actually won't suggest that you "remember the reason for the Season.”

I won't suggest you savor the glow in a child's eyes as the warm radiance of holiday lights glisten off the snow reflecting their timeless joy. Those messages often shame us. We end up hauling our overtired 6-year-old away from the damn bowl of red and green M&M's for the millionth time at the holiday party of the snippy neighbor we resolved to be nicer to, using that harsh voice we resolved last New Year’s to abolish.

I could instead give you permission to leave the wrapping paper all over the floor and roll in it after opening presents, to get a babysitter on December 23rd, and eat the grilled cheese sandwich you actually like, instead of your aunt's beef wellington.

That's good, but what I really want to suggest you do this winter is something taboo. Really taboo. I want you to talk to your kids about how all the pressure of the magic and merriment stresses people out and explain that they're probably feeling that too. About how wonderful family get-togethers sometimes cause a confusing pit in their stomachs because it seems like everyone is smiling, but a lot is not being said. I want you to notice when your child is looking out the window with glazed eyes and ask yourself, have they been so bowled over by the frenzy to be blissful that they're panicked something is wrong with them because they're feeling drained and dissatisfied?

Holidays are hard for kids, too. Maybe harder. They don't know that it's a bunch of bunk to have the brightest bow, the best new bike, and the most creative holiday plans to go skiing, help the homeless, and batik your own Holiday Cards. They see the commercials and holiday marketing, too. So, create a magical holiday for them by making the spinach dip, stringing up lights, AND talking to them about how icky it was that Mommy and Daddy yelled at each other in the grocery store over what size Pannetone cake to get for the new 4th grade science teacher.  

It won't take away from the magic-  being honest and present is the magic. It will make the holidays cleaner, clearer, and better connected. Looking at the bad doesn't negate the good. You'll emerge partners in knowing that you'll be there for them in whatever confusing illusion is wrapping everyone else up in stress and sparkly sweaters. They'll know you see them… and nothing feels better at any time of the year.

*This post was written by Womencare Staff Member Jennifer Cutilletta, LCSW