A Truly Special Holiday Season: What Families With Special Needs Wish People Knew For The Holidays

Glowing candles. Ringing bells. Hugs. Cheek pinching. Kisses. Food. Presents. Snow. More food. 

The holiday season often puts us all in overload, but for families with special needs, it means navigating an emotional and sensory minefield. And, with the best will in the world, extended family can contribute to that- or they can help with it.   We all want holidays to have meaning, tradition and joy.

When your little one lives a little differently in the world, you don’t wish for the newest Elmo, you wish for family and friends to get it and to help make the holidays special- even if it’s in a new way.

It’s hard to understand and remember all the pieces that we families with special needs hold. Some things to think about…

Forcing the magic

Many families named their wish that people would understand that their kids don’t always find the magic in the usual places- whether it be spinning the dreidl or visiting Santa. Many parents have had to let go of their own wish for their kids to respond to holiday traditions as they did or their other children do and have had to accept a different picture- it can hurt to renegotiate this acceptance with every push from yet another family member. Try to realize that every kid has a different experience.

“Johnny doesn’t get Santa. And doesn’t care,” says Anna, whose 6-year-old has Down Syndrome. My son, who also has Down Syndrome, LOVES Santa… but he loves all jolly, grandfatherly men. He loves our local crossing guard with equal enthusiasm.

Gift-giving can also disappoint, when kids have- or demonstrate- a lack of interest. Sometimes, kids are overwhelmed; other times, they really don’t care. But when the giver is obviously disappointed, parents feel badly, even though they truly appreciate the care their families put into choosing gifts or arranging special experiences. As a visible expression of love and respect, efforts at inclusion matter for the child, their siblings and their parents, but so does acceptance of what truly matters to the child.

“Nick wants the same things at holidays as he does the rest of the time, love and cuddles, someone to dance with him to music, more pretzels and blueberries,” writes Audrey.

Safety issues

Many kids with special needs take off when the spirit moves them. And they take off quickly. “It would be so helpful if people would secure their houses- doors and maybe dangerous basement rooms.  We tell people they need to baby-proof, but to remember that he has the capability of a 12-year-old to figure out locks. But they still don’t quite get it, and then he’s running off into traffic or down the street,” says Hannah, whose 8 year-old-son has autism. Ask parents about reasonable interventions to keep their child safe- or be prepared for them to have to follow their child around all day.

Dietary issues

Most people worry about weight gain over the holidays. For families with special needs, there may be more immediate concerns, such food intolerances or sensory issues.  Some kids exhibit immediate and intense reactions to foods most people ingest without difficulty. Ask parents what concerns exist, or ask for suggestions for safe food. But don’t assume everyone will “find something,” or be offended when the family brings a special dish or meal for their child. And please respect the reality of the family’s experiences- don’t dismiss celiac disease as a fad, or a sensory issue as poor parenting. “My mom thought I was being mean when I stopped him after two cookies,” says Jen, whose child has food sensitivities and sensory issues. “After all, it was Christmas and he was at Grandma’s house.”  Trust the parents- odds are very good they’ve spent hundreds of hours and much money in determining what’s safe or in helping their child tolerate even a limited variety of foods.

Physical Needs

Please feel free to ask families if there are particular physical issues that you can try to help them address. Don’t assume it’s more polite to pretend everyone is the same, and might not need some special thought. For some families, “normal” days means figuring out how their child will be able to use the bathroom, or get up stairs, in homes that aren’t wheelchair accessible. For others, it’s providing cleared paths for those that are visually impaired. It’s a huge relief when others reach out to think with them, and when the goal is clearly to make the day good for everyone.

Food or sleep schedule

Some kids get a little more than cranky when hungry or sleep-deprived. (Remember the Hulk? ) With already irregular holiday schedules, children, and their parents, may be holding onto calm by the skin of their teeth. For kids needing a routine and very clear expectations, the thought of eating a meal at 3 p.m. instead of their usual 5 or 6 p.m. can be incredibly disregulating. Please support the parents if they attend to their kids’ needs separately.  Keep in mind that they’re doing it for the whole family’s sake, as well as their child. And trust the parents who insist on a regular bedtime… really.

Sensory overwhelm

Create a sensory corner- a quiet area that isn’t covered in glitter or surrounded by candles. Probably a good idea for all children, it’s essential for some. Some kids take matters into their own hands. It took time for me to understand why my son would immediately hunt out bedrooms in whatever house we visited. I finally realized he was seeking a safe space for when he was overwhelmed. Quietly pointing out a corner with books or a TV and naming permission to use it could be the biggest gift of all.

In the end, we all want a little magic to lighten the dark hours of winter. Ultimately, the true magic this season may be when we open our eyes and try to be with each other just as we are.

*All names in this article have been changed*

Ellen Lonnquist, MS, LMFT, is a family therapist at Womencare Counseling Center in Evanston, IL and a mother to two beautiful kids, one of whom has Down Syndrome. 

Ubuntu - The Meaning And Power of Groups

This is a story from Laurie Kahn’s introduction to our conference about the meaning and power of groups. 

In 1998, when I visited trauma clinics in South Africa, I met Craig, a psychologist in South Africa. Craig was assigned to meet with a group of women who had lost their homes.

Many of the women had also lost their sons in the struggle to end apartheid. Craig hoped he could be a vehicle for healing for these women. He hoped he could help them with their grief. 

“How can I help?”  Craig asked.   

“We want tools for a garden,” the women responded. 

“But, I am a psychologist.” 

“That’s nice," the women said, “we need tools for a garden.”

I don't know anything about gardening, Craig thought.  But, Craig found a way to round up some tools for the women of this township to till a garden.

In the heat of the day, the women gathered together to create a garden. With sweat on their brows, they dug in the earth, they told their stories, they cried together, they sang danced and planted food for their families. 

They had no interest in talking to one person; they had no interest in being away from the land or to be inside behind a closed door. What they needed to heal was each other and a shovel in their hands.

The central spiritual belief of South Africans I learned is embodied in the word ‘Ubuntu.’  Ubuntu is the essence of being human. It speaks about interconnectedness. “You can't be human all by yourself,” Bishop TUTU was fond of saying.

-Laurie Kahn, MA, MFA, LCPC

Image Credits: Image One, Image Two

Being A 'Helper' After Typhoon Haiyan

Our hearts go out to those in the Philippines as they begin their struggle to recover from the devastation of Typhoon Haiyan (known in the Philippines as Typhoon Yolanda), reported to possibly be the most powerful storm ever to make landfall. From the reports of the impact of the storm, it will take a lot of helpers to support this country in beginning to put the pieces back together. We know the healing that can come from knowing that there are people out there trying to help in the wake of tragedy. 

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 

-Fred Rogers

We have attached a graph of helping organizations, if you are able to and would like to be one of the helpers.  

-Ellen Lonnquist, MS, LMFT

Alissa Catiis Now Accepting Clients!

We would love to introduce you to our wonderful new addition to the Womencare team! Alissa Catiis, MA, LCSW, is now accepting new clients. For more information on Alissa, read her bio here.

Alissa is a bilingual systems therapist who draws on psychodynamic, relational, and developmental theory in her work with children, adolescents, and adults. She is very creative and enjoys using that in her work through the integration of art, literature, movement, and writing into her clinical work. She believes that each person's path towards healing and wellness is unique and is prepared to offer a variety of interventions!

Alissa is available to train, present, or consult on:

• Contemplative clinical practice
• Creative and body-based interventions for managing stress and healing trauma
• Trauma-sensitive yoga for survivors and clinicians
• Self-care for helping professionals
• Supporting teen parents

To work with Alissa, you can reach her at 847-475-7003, extension 37.

Yoga for Trauma Survivors in Clinical Settings - 10/10

As part of our foray into the blog world, we would like to increase your awareness of events Womencare Counseling Center is involved in. Our new staff therapist, Alissa Catiis, will be speaking at an event this month. We'd love for you to join her!

Event Details

Yoga for Trauma Survivors in Clinical Settings

• Date and Time: Thursday, October 10, 2013 at 9:00am
• Location: NASW IL, 404 S Wells, 4th Floor, Chicago, IL 60607
• Presented by: Alissa Catiis
• Cost: $30 Nonmember / FREE NASW IL Member (+$8 Live Virtual)
• Registration: Follow this link to register.
• CEUs Earned: 2

When combined with effectively sensitive instructors, the practice of yoga has the power to heal. Join Alissa Catiis to explore yoga and its ability to help people from trauma with the help of sensitive yoga instructors.

In this experimental workshop, clinicians will explore yoga tools effective for managing anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress that can be taught to clients in your office. These tools include: breathing exercise, meditations, self-inquiry exercise, mudras (hand gestures, and mantras (sounds, words, or group of words). This workshop will also include:

• An overview of trauma and its impact on the brain and the body
• Why trauma-sensitive yoga is needed and how yoga impacts the brain and body
• Foundational principles of trauma-sensitive yoga
• Yoga tools effective for managing anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress that clinicians can incorporate into therapy

If you are interested in attending this event or learning more, please follow this link to register or contact us.

A Village Weeping - In Memoriam of 9/11

Director Laurie Kahn wrote the following post only months after the events that transpired on September 11th, 2001. It has been twelve years since these words were penned, but their insights and emotions still ring true.

[Image Credit]

I have returned to New York many times since September 11 and always find myself wandering back to the damage. The streets surrounding ground zero are littered with memorials. Teddy bears with red white and blue ribbons around their necks. Plaques with the names of police and firefighters who died in the World Trade Center. Street corner memorials with wilted flowers and names of loved ones scribbled on cardboard with frayed edges. A bicycle chained to a lamppost, draped with flowers and a red scarf, and dedicated to a bicycle messenger. Construction workers with pictures sewn on the back of their work clothes of a friend lost in the disaster. Circling the streets you know something horrific has happened. Grief is in the air. Maybe a little less palpable now than in September or October but it is undeniable. Every time I revisit the memorials it is strangely reassuring. I worry as I age I may become one of those people who  spend their spare time going to funerals of people they barely knew. Communities gathering, praying, grieving and collectively honoring their losses – it soothes me. Pain mitigated by the embrace of friends and neighbors.

It is the unwitnessed losses that trouble me. The ones that are hidden. Where communities don’t gather and tears are not shed. The places in which there are no memorials.

I am haunted by the unnamed losses of my clients. The loneliness that comes when your public cheeriness is camouflage for the pain inside. The isolation that comes when the stories of your childhood are riddled with violence and abuse, and don’t make good dinner conversation. Not knowing the comfort of friendship because your desire for closeness is coupled with fear. The loss of pleasure because you experience shame with sexual desire. Not finding relationships that nourish because again and again you choose ones that mirror what you learned in an abusive family. The loss of not having had the comfort of an adult when you were in pain. The loss of not being a virgin when you chose your first lover.

My heart aches and I wonder where are the memorials, the teddy bears, the plaques with the names of those who lost their childhoods. Those who have had to resurrect from the ashes a capacity to love, a sense of self and dignity. I sit in my office behind closed doors. I companion my clients; together we walk through the debris of betrayals. I know there is a need greater than what I can provide. My compassion and skills are not adequate to the magnitude of the developmental and psychological scars of their traumas. The stories are hard to hear, yet I wonder why are so many people willing, even clamoring, to witness the site of the terrorist attack on New York and so unwilling to know and witness the losses suffered by childhood abuse.

I want to assure my clients that their grief is not theirs to bear alone. It belongs to all of us. I want to tell them that there should be a moment of silence every day in every community where a child’s spirit was lost. That child we all know or have glanced at or have been ourselves, the one whose eyes stopped sparkling with curiosity and wonder. I want to tell them if they listen very carefully they can hear a village weeping. 

Trauma and Recovery: The Art of Creating and Sustaining Effective Groups for Trauma Survivors

As part of our foray into the blog world, we would like to increase your awareness of events Womencare Counseling Center is involved in or hosting. Please take a look at this event, which is happening at the end of October. We'd love for you to join us!

Event Details

Trauma and Recovery: The Art of Creating and Sustaining Effective Groups for Trauma Survivors

• Date and Time: Friday, October 25th, 2013, from 9:00am - 4:30pm.
• Location: Orrington Hotel, Evanston Illinois
• Presented by: Judith Herman and Emily Schatzow
• Cost: $150 through September 30th, $175 after September 30th. Call for group rates.
• To Register, click here.
• 6 CEUs are available

Like many trauma therapists, we were raised on Judith Herman’s seminal book Trauma and Recovery (1992). Now, The Trauma Recovery Group: A Guide for Practitioners has arrived. This comprehensive handbook emerged from thirty years of experience and research on trauma focused recovery groups.

From the initial intake interview to the concluding session, our presenters Judith Herman and Emily Schatzow, will provide a road map for facilitating ‘stage two’ trauma focused groups for survivors of interpersonal traumas. They will outline the skills, foundations and structures that are necessary for a successful group.

A panel of therapists from Womencare will join Judith Herman and Emily Schatzow in the afternoon to answer questions and to talk honestly about the lessons of many years of experience leading groups for trauma survivors. They will discuss mistakes they have made, the challenges they have encountered and the triumphs that have sustained them. Therapists on the panel will include Laurie Kahn, LCPC; Judith Ierulli, LCSW; Monica Robinson, LCSW; and Alissa Catiis, LCSW. The panel will be moderated by Ellen Lonnquist, LMFT.

Conference Objectives:

• To gain understanding for how group therapy is particularly useful for trauma survivors.
• To integrate six key elements of the Trauma Recovery Group with your practice.
• To conceptualize the importance of individualized group treatment goals.
• To identify at least three key differences between “stage one” and “stage two” trauma groups.
• To make meaning from the successes and mishaps of the panelists‘ experiences with facilitating trauma groups.

From a Review by Laurie Kahn:

"Those of us who have the privilege to lead groups for survivors know the irresistible and compelling nature of groups. The sharing of trauma narratives, coupled with members’ willingness to bear witness, can melt the layers of shame from the many untold secrets and from the insidious isolation created by the interpersonal traumas. The group provides an experience of empathic connections that foster safety and a sense of belonging.

However, if you lead a recovery group and lack strong group skills, guidance, or good supervision you also know that when a group goes awry the group members’ sense of safety is compromised and your confidence as a group leader is eroded. The group can become fertile ground for traumatic enactments, affect dysregulation, and for experiences that re-traumatize rather than enlighten."

-Laurie Kahn

We hope to see you there!